Enter-Mobius

2003-05-27T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well, this may seriously be my last post for a few weeks. I'm movin' out of my mom's place and in with Dre on Thursday. The plus side is that I'll be with a friend, the down side is that there is no phone line or means of communication of any kind in the apartment. So i'll be incommunicato for a while. *shrugs* Ah well, at least I won't be fucking lonely as shit anymore, just bored.

To those that matter, you know where I'll be staying at, drop by whenever you wanna make my day. Anyone that takes the time to do so will receive some fine fine lovin from yours truly. *thumbs up*

I shall return in a few weeks, I fucking hope.

2003-05-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

And another great thought occurred to me when I was milkin' the clock on friday.

When you have 2 people working by themselves, being trusted to do work, and getting paid by the hour, you basically get paid for doing whatever you want!

For example,Friday, I started work at 9am, came back to my place around 9:30am and watched a little tv while I made a pizza! I got PAID to make a pizza and watch tv! And i still got some work done later! Damn, I'm good. Near the day's end I came back to my place yet again to watch some porn! I got PAID to watch some porn!

Haha, im just fuckin around.

2003-05-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I lucked out today. I didn't come into work, but neither did my super(visor). Yea, that place I work at isn't so much "organized" as it is "just chill and do whatever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want." Christ, this is the job to die for. Why, on friday I spent about 2 hours leafblowing, one hour de-weeding gardens, and about 3 hours driving around the place on a golf-cart, pretending to be working. My supervisor went on a 4 hour lunch break! *thumbs up*

At the Batchelder Estate, productivity is our middle name. Actually, "Productivity" and "Sarcasm". Keep that shit on the down-low, playah.

This may just be the sweetest job I've ever had. Oh wait, it's the only real job I've ever had...

Peace out, my hombres.

2003-05-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say "Damn, driving fucking rocks."

I don't really have that many problems, my big one is that I kinda forget to use my signal when turning and stuff, but for my first day of actual driving, i think I did alright. *nods*

Well, i may or may not have to go to work tomorrow, seeing as how it's a holiday and all. I think I'll just stay in bed and see what happens...

Peace

2003-05-25T14:52:00.000-07:00

Wow. I can't wait to fucking move out. In retrospect, yesterday blew the big one. Couldn't get online until like, 11 pm, and I had nothing to do all day. Dammit, i wasted an entire day. I hate living in the middle of fucking nowhere. *shrugs* Ah well. At least I have somewhere to stay, i guess.

As previously aforementioned, I got my learners permit, and I plan on gettin my liscence (Sp?) sometime this week. This obviously means that Im gonna have to get some practice driving in, then Ill go take the test. Slowly but surely, my friends. Slowly but surely Im becoming less of a loser. *nods*

Adieu

2003-05-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

Haha, so, yesterday I realized something very profound: "Oh dear sweet Jesus Up in Heaven, how I hate Harry Potter!"

I hate it so much, in fact, that I wrote a rant about it on Shitstained. The rant is actually meant to seque into the re-written version that I am currently working on. J.K. Rowling, kiss my ass and suck on this shit:

Hell yea, my own version of Harry-Fucking-Potter. Harry Potter: Reloaded. Hopefully J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. doesn't decide to sue me. *shrugs*

2003-05-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

Ugh. So I feel really ineffectual, especially last night. Friends havin' troubles and I was too drunk to do anything, be it giving comfort or whatnot. Kinda makes me wish I wasn't an alcoholic....*shrugs* whatever. I wish I had some weed.

Fuck, today I had to "leafblow" my landlord's parking lot area and pool deck. It took me about 2 1/2 hours, and obviously I had to lug the damn thing around the whole time. My whole fucking body's sore. Ah well. I'm out, I need to go somewhere, I don't really care where. Maybe I'll make the three hour walk to my dad's house so I can get stoned with my bro. *shrugs*

Peace out.

2003-05-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

*shakes head sadly*

Going to work with a hangover really blows.

2003-05-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

okm, as a minuetly update on my night, i feeli nclijed to say............"damn....am i eve r so fucked up/."

along with these amazing notes, i need to add "wow...i mean........no ...wow......am i a fucking oser or what,..........."

yea, oh well, a few more screqwdrivers and i wont even remember how lonely and epressed i am!!! woo! adiios hombres.Q@Q!!

2003-05-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

awwwwe fuck. idont raea;;y know what to post,. im so fucking bored. and drunk, yea. im soe fucking bored and runk i coud fucking die. hly christ fuck. i hope i can get online tomorrow so that i can delete thus mindless shit.......

2003-05-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

Well, in retrospect, this day went fairly well. Except for the fact that, ya know, I'm running out of excuses to use my mom's computer and I gotta go to work tomorrow. Hmm, I think I'm gonna get drunk. Well, I guess I'll be going in to work tomorrow with a hangover! *thumbs up*

Peace, again.

2003-05-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, life is slowly geting better for some.

Yesterday I got my learner's permit. And since im 18, all I really need to do is go for a little practice driving, learn the rudimentaries of the whole "driving" business, and then I can go grab my liscence. Oh yea, I also got a job. I guess if I had a title it would be "Assistant Caretaker of the Rich Dick Landlord's Estate". Yea, general maintenance around my asshole landlord's estate. Anything from "vacuuming" out a pool to weeding fucking gardens. The plus side is, because the place is indeed an "estate" it means it's big. Because of this aforementioned "bigness" i get to drive around the fucker in a golf cart, going from one inane task to the next. How did I spend the first two hours on the job? You're godammed right. I drove all around that bitch, speeding, in a golf cart. *thumbs up* I fucking love this job.

Oh yea, did I mention there's gardening shit involved? Yea, I know next to nothing about gardening. Take this afternoon for example. The head caretaker charged me with weeding a garden and spraying some fruits and veggies with some miracle gro. Suffice it to say, I probably miracle groed the weeds and destroyed the entire population of strawberries and rasberries and canteloupes and carrots and squash and tulips and petunias and whatever-the-fuck-else they have growing in that shit. *nods*

Stupid rich fucker doesn't need to be growing shit anyways, he can just go buy shit at the store. *eyeshift*

Until I return, I bid you adieu.

Peace

2003-05-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

There's nothing worse than not being there for someone.

2003-05-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

Well, besides the learner's test, I didn't do much today. Well, I did get high. For me, weed is a funny thing. I can easily live without it, but if I'm bored, or depressed or just get it into my head that I wanna get high, I'll do just about anything to get it. Today I already had it, but I spent like, an hour trying to find an isolated spot to smoke it at. Suffice it to say, I did find a place, and I did indeed get baked. the rest of the day was great. *thumbs up*

2003-05-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

Bloody tossing learner's permit tests. I swear, I missed like, 7 questions on that shit today. I got all of the turning/rules of the road shit correct, it's the little insignificant shit I got wrong. Things like "now, if you're parking on a hill what direction do you want to turn your wheels?" *shakes head*

Ah well, i'll just go re-take it tomorrow. What was nice was the fact that my ex girlfriend was there, and it was her 5th time taking the test. Stupid bitch. *nods*

Peace out, suckas.

2003-05-19T22:03:00.000-07:00

Hmm. I meant to post up something meaningful and insightful today. Woops.

2003-05-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

Mobius For Prez

Haha, fucking awesome huh!!!!????/////// Yes, I'm very bored. So bored in fact, that I've begun working on my own comic strip. When I get online for good when I move out, I'll post em up daily.

In other news, I think I've found a cool place to stay. Almost all utilities paid, $400 a month. *nods* It's a pretty badass setup. I'm thinkin, maybe in about a week or two, I'll be movin out and able to go online again. "Woo."

And MATRIXXXXXX!!!!!!!!1111111111111 *seizure* Well, I just ...ya know.....had an orgasm....so yea....I'm gonna go see Matrix 2 today......*cough*

Peace!

2003-05-11T01:51:00.000-07:00

Oh christ, i think I may be building up an immunity to alcohol.....may god have mercy upon my soul.

To put it into perspective, take it from me, right now I would be shit-faced, passed out on a bed or floor or other hard (or soft) surface. But no. Here I am. Typing correctly, in my blog that I thought I was done with.

2003-05-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

(Forgive the long rant. It makes me feel better when I bitch and know that some people are gonna read it. If you read it all you get a fucking llama,or some sweet sweet lovin' from yours truly.)

Aww christ, my life sucks right now. This'll be my last blog entry for a while.

Long-story-short: The computers in the complex that I live in are all networked together, and the landlord's (good friends with my mom) computer keeps crashing. So obviously it must be because of something I'M doing, seeing as how I'm a teenager and rebellious and shit. So he calls in his tech guy to install a password on my mom's comp that only he and my mom know. Fuck.

I know it would seem like a small thing, not having the internet anymore. But allow me to explain:

1)I don't have a phone line.

2)I CAN'T talk to any of my friends anymore.

3)I can't update on Azhben anymore.

4)I can't update my blog anymore.

5)My apartment has nothing of any interest in it, besides modern art. And that's just nasty.

6)I have no car, and live in the middle of fucking nowhere, so i can't really walk anywhere, like friend's houses (or apartments,respectively).

I'd give all that shit up and more for a cell phone (at least) so i could talk to my friends. There is nothing as bad as being incommunicato. You guys that know me the best know what I mean. I've had to put up with this shit more than once, but for some reason, this time is the hardest. I mean, c'mon, I'm writing a fucking blog update about it. A really fuckin lame blog update. A blog update that would warrant my immediate arrest, on grounds of "ultra lameness"... *nods*

I have never been as fucking lonely and bored as I have these past few days. Without a phone line it makes things even worse because I can't even make plans with anyone. God help me the weekend that I don't have anywhere to go and am stuck at my place, and nobody "just drops by". I do believe I would kill myself. No. I would kill myself. After sky-diving, of course.(yea, one thing that I remember from that fuckin beer induced stupor) *shakes head sadly* Fuck, I'm going to be posting this shit at school tomorrow, and seeing as how I have ..oh wait, tomorrow is the last day, I can't get online at school anymore. Damn. Until I move out, it looks like I'm fucked. And I was really starting to enjoy posting at Shit Stained too.

As all my blog endings(or temporary endings)tend to end, now is the time to remenisce and bitch!!!!!11111one

Christ, I remember even 4 years ago I used to think i could do without too many friends, that i could live by myself and be happy...

FUCK THAT. What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck!? I even remember a time 4 years ago when I was actually like this, I shit you guys not. How!? Why!? I don't fucking know either. I was a fucked up kid.

Until today i've never really realized how much i depended on you guys (my friends) for support and just friendship in general. 2 fucking days and im already lonely and depressed as i think I've ever been. I'm going to ~~carpet bomb~~ re-shingle my landlord's house. *nods* Fuckin dickhead.

Ahh well, it's the weekend and I think i might be doin somethin with Jenny tomorrow, i fucking hope. I'm not too sure yet. Seeing as how, ya know... i dont really have internet capabilities anymore, i cant really log onto dear sweet AIM or check my mail. If not, its going to be one lonely fucking weekend. Fuck.

More bitchin'!
Christ almighty, I fucking swear, if it's not one thing it's another. If i got a reliable internet connection tomorrow I'm sure that my best friend would die or something. Or if i got laid I'm sure that every single piece of personal writing that I treasure would spontaneously combust (or be deleted to file hell, respectively). If I got a fucking job, i'm almost positive that my kitty would be hit by a fucking truck. God, if you exist, I really wish you would lay the fuck off me. Sod off and die, you sadistic fucking wanker. Can't I have a moment's worth of peace? Grant me a moment of fucking respite!!?? Well?? caN I!?? ANSWER ME DAMMIT!!!!!!111111oneonetwo

Ok, you're right. Losing the internet may not warrant my wrath being hurled heavenwards, but it still pisses me off. Oh well,looking at the bright side, I'm graduating in like, a month. After that, my ass is gettin a job, a car, an apartment, some nice piece o' internet, and eventually I'm goin to college. Then I'm gonna start a rock fucking band. Then I'm gonna be a rocket-fucking-scientist. Maybe even a race car-fucking driver. Maybe i'll find the time to start postin here again!

Bleh, too tired. I need to end this update now. To all those of you that read all this shit, you are the fucking bomb and will immediately receive some fine fine lovin' the next time I see you. Just remind me, cuz I'm a cheapskate when it comes to the lovin'.

Well guys, you're awesome as hell for putting up with a tosser like me for so long. I love you guys, and I'm out for a while. Try not to miss me too much.

PS:Holy fucking shit. After re-reading this 10 minutes after I wrote it...all I can say is "fuck". I'm gonna go hit the vodka then the sack, respectively. Nitey nite.

2003-05-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

Christ, I felt so damn sedated today. I had this confirmed, because when I was skipping my last class, i was walking around the park close to the school. I ran into this cool old black dude wanting to use a lighter for his cigarette.

While he was lighting up he said, "Damn man, you need to wake up (or some shit, i was like half listening, half wondering when he was going to jump me) you're draggin you're feet and all kinds of shit! You need to keep your head up so you can see the people around you, make em think your cool!"

He apparently thought that I did indeed want to look cool, what with my trendy (ie baggy as fuck) white pants and my cool hoody and my shades. I reply with a "Thanks man, I'll try and remember that shit." He offers me a few hits off his cig, i decline (dammit) and tell him I'll see him later. A wierd, but kinda interesting meeting. This makes me think back to all of these other times that people have thought that i was stoned or angry or depressed because of the way I hold myself. Apparently the current theory is that I'm an exhausted, yet cool dude.... *cough* *COUGH*

Well, I'm sodding off to go finish up this house cleaning contract shit. I need money. Money is cool as hell.

2003-05-05T01:37:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday was awesome as hell.

Hung out with Jenny and Andre. Attempted to find a party, failed horribly. We ended up going to jenny's friend's house, which was still pretty damn cool. About 5 minutes after arriving, Andre retires to a bedroom to call his girlfriend, and i retire to the couch to drink beer. I don't have a hangover anymore, but DAMN, im still fuzzy as hell. I remember a lot of short snippets of shit, like, me and jenny watched Ernest Goes to Jail. I giggle. Jenny comments on the movie. I comment on Jenny's comments. I am pushed off the couch. I think. I was pretty gosh darn drunk.

Tossers! Go check out My Forum on Shit Stained (Mobius' Inane Ranting)!! I got two new articles up. Apparently one of them is funny as hell. The other one is so-so.

2003-05-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

Yay. It's saturday.

Well, yesterday I was hungover and tired as hell, so I went to bed around 6pm. Forgetting that I told my cousin that I'd ask my mom if he could stay at my place for the night, i receive a phone call at like, 9:30, interrupting a great dream I was having about me running around my post apocalyptic town. destroying zombies with my 9 mm....

A-nyways, the call is from Andre, and my mom surprises the hell out of me by saying "Yea, he can stay with us until sunday."

So last night consisted of my cousin and I getting shitfaced and looking at stupid web-sites and running around the forest which surrounds my house. Fun.

Don't really have any plans for today, it's like, 2:50 pm. I think i'm gonna start getting drunk. It's going to be fun. *thumbs up*

2003-05-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was interesting.

My cousin Andre got kickd out for nothing. Welcome to the club man. *thumbs up* Only for him it's kinda cool, his parents suck, and he has a job and a place to stay in the future.

Nothin much happenin with me lately. I've just been shittin around, writing articles, finishing up some homework in the classes that are still salvageable. Other than that, me and Dre hung out last night after i helped him move his shit out, then I went home and got fucked up via Vodka/OJ screwdrivers. Yea, I'm sittin in school. With a hangover. I am Jack's raging stupidity. Oh well. I got plenty of vodka left, so I'm gonna see who wants to hang and get drunk.

Well hmm, my friend is uber fucking depressed over a load of shit. I havn't really been able to talk to her since last night, but it seems apparent that her boyfriend's gonna dump her or some shit. Who knows, I'll get the "scoop" on that later.

I'm so bloody bored and lonely. I need a girlfriend. One that's not crazy, I mean. Oh well, I've got the best friend in the world with me at home. Mr. Vodka. Yes, he's quite the chap...

I'm sodding off now. I can't think with this fucking hangover.

Peace

2003-04-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

Well, things are lame, as usual. *thumbs up* My trip to Kearney was actually fun as hell. I got drunk on Sat and Sun. thats all I'll update you on, cuz I'm lazy.

Got a new article posted at Shitstained

I swear, this just goes to show how school can turn a good day bad.

Oh uhm, the link might not actually work. So just log onto aim, check my profile (BebopperSpike) for the board link, and look for the "Mobius Rant" section.

I'm off to bed. Goodnight! I ~~hate~~ love you all so much! Toodles.

2003-04-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

hmm

2003-04-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

Saturday 1:14 am:I stuck a triscuit into the dip,turned my head away for one second and grabbed another triscuit, forgetting the previously dipped,yet not eaten triscuit. ha ha.

I think i need sleep.Or more alcohol. Or I think i need to watch a good movie. I'm going to go watch "Ace Ventura 2:When Nature Calls". Toodles

2003-04-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

christ. ok, sometimes i really wish i would think before i posted things. Dude, you know i fuckin love ya, and I was tired and i thought it would be funny and i didnt know you read my journal and no one knows what im talking about. Im not gonna delete it, but believe me when i say i didnt mean it. I had a lot of fun over at your place. Please don't be one of those peole that takes this shit seriously, i mean, c'mon, look at my last blog entry for christ's sake.

Love ya.
Jordan

2003-04-25T19:16:00.000-07:00

In my continuing quest to make the things I write more "funny" or "interesting" I've decided to give frequent updates of the things i do in "real life".

Friday 8:58 pm:Eating triscuits and french onion dip. Fuck. The triscuit I dipped into the dip broke in half.
Friday 8:59 pm:I sigh in frustration.
Friday 9:03 pm:I motivate myself to fish the sunken triscuit half out of the dip.
Friday 9:50 pm:Triscuit half rescued. I sigh with relief.
Friday 9:51 pm:I gleefully devour aforementioned triscuit half.
Friday 10:00 pm:I burp with vigor.

"Daily statistics indicate that quantity is up, quality is down!"

2003-04-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. I stayed up most of the night talking at my "chatty bitch friend" whom I love so dearly and was, not 5 minutes ago, slipping in and out of consciousness. I think I'm slipping "out" while I'm writing this....

Anyways, mission a-fucking-complished. The UPS dude was just here and dropped off my friend's book. The great thing is, she gave me permission to read "How to Be A Great Lover" while she was away at work. The not so great thing is that it's a "girlfriend-to-girlfriend" approach. I leaf through it and realize, "You know, do i really need to know the "Taffy-Pull" to help MY man achieve an erection?"....

Dreams of learning to please women better are crushed as I place the book down on my friend's desk. I will now place myself on her bed so that I may pass the fuck out. Good night. Or morning. Or whatever the fuck.

I'm out.

2003-04-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

Well, today was the last day of school for 3 more days. I'm happy. "Woo".

Yesterday I stopped in at my dad's house to say hi to my bro and sis. Thankfully my dad wasnt there at the time and I walked out with about 40 pounds of various frozen burgers,chicken sandwhiches, pop-tarts, pop and assorted snacks in an inconspicuous brown paper shopping bag."Jackmode!!" Suck on THAT Shit dad. Haha, yea, I'm poor.

Didn't do much in school today, just sat around, did a little work, but was mostly lazy and apathetic all day. Now I'm just chilling at my friend's house. She's expecting a package tomorrow but she'll be working, or in school (one or the other) and she doesn't wanna miss the delivery, so I told her I'd sign for it whilst she was away. Love me, for I am kind.

Holy shit, apparently Mindy got in a car accident. She's fine, thankfully, but her car isn't, and neither is Erika. Fuck....I hope she's ok.....last I heard she had a concussion...
I'd go visit her and Mindy but I don't have a bloody car...so all I can really do is sit here and worry.

2003-04-23T01:47:00.000-07:00

Wrote up a wonderful new bio for my additional home to inane ramblings.The Aptly named " Shit Stain"

Well, it's like, 3:50 in the bloody A.M. and I'm just a little out of it. I still have one fucking essay to complete if i want a snowball's chance in hell at passing my Writing Skills class. God how I loathe school.

2003-04-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

Tattoos n' Shit

Talking to my good friend Kochy is always an interesting experience. Take our last conversation for example. She expressed the desire to get another tattoo, and I began thinking to myself , "You know what, the only "crazy" thing I've ever done to my body is get an earring. This needs to be remedied. Soon." So i began to ponder on what kind of tattoo i should get. My final choice wasn't very difficult. Anyone who's played FFX will know the cool character Jecht. He's the blitzball playing champ from Zanarkand, who's career takes a dive as he slowly becomes an alcoholic. (Oh sorry, that was an important part of the story. Oh well, at least i didn't tell you that Jecht is actually the future Sin. ....uhm...oops, sorry bout that.) More importantly, Jecht sports a wicked cool tattoo on his chest. This tattoo is the symbol of blitzball and , as previously stated, is wicked cool lookin'.

Isn't that cool? It looks great on him. He's got those rugged washboard abs and shit. So of course it looks cool on him. My problem? Yea, my chest has an apparent lack of "washboard abs" or "sexiness of any kind". So, imagine a nice big tattoo on a nice flat piece of flesh. Yea, not too attractive. Well, don't worry. I'm currently putting my stomache through rigorous sit-up sessions. When I get a job and money, in turn, I will have this tattoo etched into my skin. Here's how I like to imagine it will look on me:

Is that not "uber sweet"?? I rest my case.

2003-04-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

Didn't do too much today. Last night I hung out with Mindy for a few hours at her dad's house. It was pretty fun, we watched a movie and talked about a lot of different shit. Today, as stated earlier, could be described as "lame" and "boring". I seriously need to finish a load of essays for various classes. But on the plus side, I also have a bunch of cool movies to watch. Namely, The Count of Monte Cristo, Red Dragon, and some movie called "Iris" (i dunno, my mom got it at Blockbuster).

Article Currently Working On:Everything I need to Know About Life I Learned From GTA:Vice City / Reworking of "Panty Wars I and II"

2003-04-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Cheesy Lameness Ahoy!

Well, yesterday wasn't so great, it was just kinda ....blah. To start things off I was recuperating from a hangover. The day was wet, cold, rainy, and gray, so i couldn't even go out and skate. I don't have a phone at my place, so I kinda just have to go online and wait for my friends, but nobody was on. At around 8 Erika got on and started talkin at me about stuff. Don't remember what the conversation was about but it basically ended with me telling her to forget about me and stick with JC.

What really scares me is that I didn't even pause to think about what I said. I mean, I've talked to Mindy and other people about this, and they say that I should have given up on her the first time she started clinging all over the guy, but, i dunno. I like to think that I loved her and wanted to see if she'd change. The really fucked up thing is that I think she does intend to change, but I don't really care anymore.

At around 11 Erika came to get me so we could go to her friends house so we could "talk". I think the fact that I've become so confused and that she isn't very adept at talking about this kinda shit made for a pretty empty conversation.
*cough*coughcough*
This post has become too lame....my natural "guy" senses are going insane with all of this emotional shit....need....to talk..about..titties..sex..alcohol...

2003-04-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

~I feel pretty, oh so pretty~

Damn, yesterday was all sorts of crazy. It consisited of me doing shit. And some more shit.And then I think there was wall punching involved, cuz my knuckles are kinda swollen and feeling like they're ON FIRE. And , ironically , I went to see Anger Management a few hours later haha. All I can say is it's the funniest damn movie I've seen in a long long time and I recommend it to everyone.

2003-04-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

the really great thing about my blog's position right now is the fact that nobody read's it! So I could type like 2,000 lines of nothing but "I am a lame bastard and need to be shot at the earliest possible convenience" and nobody would think it odd. Because nobody would be reading it! *sighs happily* Ain't life grand.

2003-04-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>

Probably one of the more accurate "What kind of [insert stupid noun here] are you" quizes.

Well I'm confused now, and a little irate. Apparently Erika's been like, seeing both me and her "ex" or whatever you want to call him now, at the same time. I kinda figured, but I mean, it still depresses the shit out of me. Here I find this awesome girl that actually seems to be interested in me, and then she pulls this shit. And what's even more fucked up is that I'm so enamoured with her, that if she still expressed a desire to be with me I'd give her that chance in a hearbeat. Why? Because I'm fucking lame and stupid. I mean, girls this great come along very seldomly for guys like me, and when they do, we fall head-over-fucking-heels for them.

What pisses me off is that I was talking to JC last night, and I took the blame for "causing all of this shit to happen in the first place" when I don't actually think I did.I can't really say who did, cuz i don't know. Why do I have to be such a fucking people pleaser? I always say what others want to hear. I didn't start this, unless you count the fact that I was hanging out with JC at the time and he in turn was around erika, who became my friend.
Fuck, this goes against everything I stand for, but im going to get my self-depreciation on.

I'm such a fucking pussy.

Yes my friends, you heard it here first. From now on im going to speak my fucking mind,and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about it. If there's anything I envy JC for, its his ability to do just this. And when I stop to think about it, I don't really hate him at all. I'm more dissapointed with myself for getting into this shit, surrendering my heart to the flames of "love" and "passion" when indeed, they were actually the never-ending, soul searing flames of the eternal abyss. ........ haha, just kidding...

Well, I don't feel quite so down, and I have exactly a "go-fucking-jillion" essays to write. I mine as well write em now so I can waste the rest of my spring break doing more important things.
Like flushing the toilet and squirting toothpaste into it to watch it swirl...
Bloody good times, my homely chums. Bloody good times. *removes monacle and top-hat*

2003-04-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well, hell, I had a pretty kickass day. My girlfriend visited me before my B2 class, then as the day went on I talked to all of my teachers. Apparently, I can still pass all of my classes if I just fucking work. Yes, work. Something I seriously need to start doing. So now I'm just sitting here , sipping on vodka, writing up my next article, and hoping that my g/f isn't busy tonight. And with that, I'm out.

2003-04-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it's finally been "officialized", I write for www.azhben.com . My first article pertains to illegal importation of mexican workers! but i will use this space as an actual blog now. And as such, my first act will be to give a nice, long emo-rant...

...Which I've just deleted.....i really love blogger sometimes.

2003-03-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

Jonas the Smoker Schizo

This tour de' force of literary perfection was written by Mobius(me) and JohnRaver

Surgeon General's Warning:This Short story is a leading cause of mental retardation.

Once upon a time there was a man named Jonas. Jonas and his pet cigarette "Smokey Joe" went a-walking one day. Smokey Joe looked with big, loving, ash-filled eyes into Jonas' and asked him a question. "Jonas, do you love me?"

Jonas then thought to himself, I bet if I kill a man and ate his brain, I would gain his knowledge! So he set out to eat Alan Greenspan's brain. The leader of the alien invasion force stepped off of the ship's ramp.

"Take me to your leader", was his brief and cliched demand. I was too stunned to speak, but then I slowly mustered my nerve.

"I am He."

"Human, if you are lying, we will destroy your planet."

"Shit."

Upon reflection of current events, he decided he was a miserable sack of shit and that his life was meaningless. He went to the grocery store and bought a gun (because grocery stores are the leading supplier of all the world's guns) and shot himself. This is everything that flashed before his eyes as he died.

Jonas peered into Smokey Joe's eyes. "Of course I love you, Smokey Joe! I've always loved you!"

"If you love me so much, smoke me!"

"But you are a leading cause of lung cancer, Smokey Joe!"

"Smoke me, bitch!"

"But Smokey!"

Jonas decided that when he finally got to heaven the first thing he was going to do was have sex with a cow.

~fin~

2003-03-09T17:56:00.000-08:00

Explosive Diarrhea:The Not-So-Silent Almost Nuclear Killer

KABOOM!!

We've all had run-ins with Explosive Diarrhea. All of us. There is not a man, woman nor child, while standing before God Almighty, Allah, Buddha, Shiva, Ifrit, Bahamut OR Fonzie from Happy Days that would deny their past exchanges with Explosive Diarrhea. As the gods casted their godly eyes upon us, laying our souls bare, and that fateful question emerging from their most beholied of lips: "My child. During your tenure on Earth, had you ever experienced Explosive Diarrhea? Be not dishonest, for I am all knowing and all seeing." There would be but one answer that could possibly wretch its way from our quivering lips: "N.....N...*groans*...YES!! *sniff* Yes I have experienced its wrath!! *sobbing*
And my point? Well, don't lie to your respective Gods about having Explosive Diarrhea, cuz they don't look too kindly upon that. My other point? Yup, you guessed it! I need to get a job, a girlfriend, AND a life! haha!

________________________________

I took the liberty of hittin' the streets and the coffeshops a few days ago to conduct a survey on my essay topic. You know, the one about Explosive Diarrhea? Yea, I'm still talkin' about it! How long could I possibly drag this out for? Well, does 1800 words sound like too unreal a goal? It does? Too bad! After interrogating numerous would-be hippies and slackers, and fighting off three ratty looking blokes pawing at my cigarettes, I reviewed my accumulated data, and quite frankly, I was shocked. Observe.

Mobius' Note:All answers to said survey are averaged out answers taken from an average of two answerers with an average of no good answers to my no good questions. Enjoy!

Mobius: Good evening, scourge of the coffeshop and world!

Scourge: Uhh, whatsup. My name's Dave, by the way.

Mobius: Good evening then, Charles!

Charles: *shrugs* So, you were going to ask me a few questions?

Mobius:Ah yes, to the point, I like that. So, Dave, have you ever experienced Explosive Diarrhea?

Dave: No..

Mobius: I believe you're lying. Why are you lying?

Dave: I'm not lying.

Mobius: I believe that you are lying. It's nothing to be embarassed about. However, if you happened to be a chronic masturbator, then you should be deeply embarassed and ashamed. Are you a chronic masturbator, Dave?

Dave: No!

Mobius: *skeptical*

Dave: I'm not, dude!

Mobius: Mm-hmm. Sir, I can't stress enough how important it is for you to answer my questions honestly, I'm conducting an important survey and I need accurate information. About how many times, daily, do you have Explosive Diarrhea?

Dave: Uhm...none.

Mobius: Eight? Holy shit, that's a lot. I bet your bowels must look like the aftermath of the Normandy Invasion. Do they?

Dave: I don't think so, they might, IF I HAD EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!!!

Mobius: You must be in quite a lot of pain. I will take my leave of you, heathen, so that you may apply your anal shot of Percocet. Thank you for your time!

Dave: *crying*

Well, that went well!
________________________________

The 8 Stages of Explosive Diarrhea: Joy - Roseanne

I'm sure that around this time you're scratching your head and wondering, "Yes Mobius, that's all well and good, but what I REALLY want to know about Explosive Diarrhea is, what does getting it entail? Can it kill me? Is it as nasty as I imagine? Where do babies come from? What's the meaning of life?? Well my friends, this section will answer all of those questions and more! (Author's Note:Section will not answer any pertinent quetions, and may send you into a spiral of depression upon realizing that you're still reading this article, and you, in fact, have nothing better to do with your sorry life.)

________________________________

Stage One:Normality

Here is our man Jeremy. Jeremy is sitting on the can one day and has a fateful run in with Explosive Diarrhea. In the pic he seems to be in a very good mood. He is probably thinking back to 20 minutes ago, when a co-worker uttered a fiendeshly clever retort to that jerk in the HR Dept. Maybe he's just really happy. Maybe he isn't even taking a crap at all.... May Shiva bless thy inuendo.

Stage 2:Disgust

Jeremy feels a surge of explosive energy massing in the depths of his bowels and one horrible thought comes flashing into his mind: "Explosive Diarrhea has thrust itself unto me, has veiled my life with the stinky blanket of despair and utter destruction that is to become my downfall!" Either that or he's thinking, "Oh shit!"

Stage 3:Melancholy

Jeremy feels his time running out and quietly says goodbye to his friends and loved ones, his wife and seven kids, and his pet shrew, Crunchy.

Stage 4:Anxiety

Jeremy thinks about all of the upcoming pain and anguish that he is about to endure and begins to "freak out". He hopes his death is quick and painless.

Stage 5-6:Emergance and Horror

Jeremy feels the explosive energy building to critical mass and can't contain it any longer. To his horror, he realizes that his end is nigh. With a mighty groan....

Stage 7:Detonation

................

Stage 8:Roseanne

The radiation and disgust o' rays of Jeremy's atomic detonation mutates his body at the genetic level. He is now doomed to spend the rest of his days getting frowned upon for his annoying laugh and put in jail for stalking celebrities. May God have mercy upon this poor, miserable wretch.

_______________________________________________________
Explosive Diarrhea, It could happen to any of us, even the best of us. Always be on the lookout, my friends. Explosive Diarrhea could be coming after YOU next!! (oh yes, my apologies for the extreme up close shot of Roseanne.I know it's disgusting.)

2003-02-24T19:13:00.000-08:00

Update

I never should have posted a date for my upcoming panty-wars sequel and I vow to never announce another deadline for my stuff. I deplore deadlines. Despise them, even. As you may (or may not) have guessed, I don't seem to have the article finished yet.I kinda forgot I had night class and all. Anyways, I've whipped up a great article about EXPLOSIVE diarrhea instead, to appear tomorrow (oops) along with the sequel to PW. Among other updates, this blog just ain't workin for me anymore, I need a place where I can organize all my stuff and have it snazzy lookin' at the same time. To serve this need, my friend and I are devising a jointly run website which will serve as outlets for our poor deluded ramblings. More to come on that later. Peace.

2003-02-23T12:27:00.000-08:00

Nova Net:Part 2 "Irradiating the Small Furry One"

"Syntax?Fuck that shit,bitch."

Yes,it was that time again,Saturday,time for NOVANET!
I was rudely reminded of this fact by my alarm blaring a few feet from my face,seeming to emulate,in all of its alarmyness, the horrible feeling of disgust I have for waking up so damn early. So I drop-kicked my disgust emulator out the window and got up to have something much more refreshing,something that would make me feel good, something that would administer my daily shot of nicotine,a damn cigarette! Part of this complete and balanced breakfast.

After 5 cigarettes, I felt the time had come to leave for class. But,alas..I knew not when the class started! Was it 8:25-11:25 or was it 9 through 12?? After pondering my predicament over a few more cigarettes I just decide to toss my fate to the wind and see what happened. As it turns out, the class did indeed start at 8:25 and I did indeed turn out to be 45 minutes late. Damn you, winds of fate! Damn you to damnable hell!!

Luckily, the teacher that runs the place has a Doctorate ,and the fact that the system forces him to teach a low tech,"crappy-ass" make-up class on saturday morning makes him very irate, for he is a DOCTOR and above such trivial,mortal things! So how is this lucky? Well...what do we all do when we're forced to do something we hate? WE SLACK! My friends, he greeted me with a smile that shouted "Yes,I too hate and despise this class, and the first chance I get, I'm going to kill all of you little bitches with my machete." But I'm sure he meant that for a nice smile and proceeded to tell me he didn't care if i was late,for it was a laid back, happy working environment in which he was trying to run. *smile*smile*

After I recuperate from the shock of realizing that my NOVANET teacher might have actually been hitting on me, I take a seat at my assigned computer...
Because,as we all know NOT being able to sit where you want leads to all kinds of happy working environmenty feelings!!
Oh yea,don't uhh, slip and fall on all the sarcasm oozing onto the floor...I'll mop that up later...
oh gross,it's starting to smell...
Eeew! Oprah was right! Sarcasm leads to all kinds of negative things!!

So there I am, browsing through my personalized NOVANET folder ,looking at the sections in which I need to complete. I see that I have one more section to complete and I am done with the course. Yay! I shout with much vigor. The section was entitled "Earth Science,Radiation and You!"

"Hey!" I think to myself."This should be tons of fun! I like earth science,I like radiation, and I especially love me! This course is as good as done."

Being a topic slightly more advanced than retarded ants and aphids engaging in numerous promiscuous "mutual" acts, the material seemed to be written by stuffy ,boring scientists. Then I strike solid gold. One of these scientist guys by the name of Richard Schulling (may or may not be true name) thought he was a comedian. He would include funny little remarks like "Ho Ho HO! If you ever got shot with a thin stream of beta particles, you'd go 'AAAAAAAGHAGAHGHGHGHAGAAHAHAGA!!!!!'"
Tiny shrills of noise that could only be my giggles of joyous delight ensue shortly thereafter.

Around that lab, the other scientists must refer to this comedian like "Look at that stupid fucking Joker" or "Check out the Funny Guy,he thinks he's so goddamn funny."
Yes my friends, our lone buddy Richard Schuller is the only scientist in the world with a sense of humor. A poor sense of humor, but at least he has one. Did you check out the Science Dept. on the USS Auriga on Alien:Ressurection? Yea, they didn't have a sense of humor either, and look what it got them.

He did inadvertantly create the best damn computer game about radiation on the entire planet though. Did I say planet? Nay, the Universe!
What he was trying to do was show how different levels of MRIM's (some kind of measurement of background radiation) can affect us over time. The standard level for a human, annualy is 1200 MRIM's. How he planned for you to learn this was by "Shooting" a mouse on screen with a variety of radiation levels of my choice."OH MY GOD!!" I squeal with all the enthusiasm and excitement of a five year old boy stricken with mental retardation and about to receieve his daily ration of juice and cookies in Special Ed.

Basically, on screen is a stupid looking "radiation shootin' " machine, with a mouse on a pedestal in front of it. I type in my number: "1000".The little creature's mousy eyes look into mine.Eyes filled with remorse and confusion,wondering why I had to be his Angel of Death,why did he have to die?? and then I let loose with the radiation. A message pops up reading "He feels no abnormalities,this is the standard radiation level for any living creature."

"Damn" I think to myself,"I wanted to see his head blow up or something." I accidently hit the enter key while typing in my next number and come up with "10". A smartass message pops up saying "HAHA! He didn't even feel a thing!Try again dipshit!"
This really pisses me the hell off.So I type in my number.

I think one hundred trillion millirads might have been too much. I think I clued in to this fact when my computer imploded, folded in on itself,and was sucked inside-out into the black hole that I had just inadvertantly created. But there's no doubt in my mind that the mouse died. Unless I had somehow captured Mighty Mouse, that guy could take a shankin' and still survive. A Shankin'!!

However,I couldn't help but wonder what my one hundred trillion millirads of radiation would have looked like in real life,in a real lab,being "administered" to a real mouse. I think it went a little something like this:

The Setup,in a luxery lab in beautiful New York!

I feel its time to irradiate the small furred one,and quickly duck behind my 1/2 foot lead and concrete wall with viewing window.

The omni-directional glow of a Radiation device charging up its power...

...Unleashing a devastating wave of radiation upon the mouse.

It blows out the side of my luxury suite lab and off into the distance

I begin to realize that I may have miscalculated the level of radiation by about +999,999,999,999 MRIMS. I realized this when my beam flew off into the vast depths of space ,destroying 2 planets 33 asteroids , 2 comets, and a sun.
_______________________________________
Well,I feel I'v written enough,and anyways,they let students out an hour and a half early because the computers locked up.
And there you have it, my wonderful Saturday morning at NOVANET.
Peace.

2003-02-20T19:18:00.000-08:00

Panty Wars-Part One:The Insurgence

Inspired with my friend Miranda's help,If only she knew what horrors I would create with her idea of an article about "panties"
The year is 2060, Women rule the earth for reasons to be discussed soon.In an underground resistance facility a Commander/Notable Orater informs new resistence members of the trials in which they will all soon face...

"Panties!"

The deep voiced commander screamed at his captivated audience of new resistence members.

"Panties, like a cancerous scourge of every man's mind, even the mere thought of these sexy women's undergarments can grow and grow inside a guy's mind , taking up valuble space and leaving little room for anything else,effectively immobilizing him."

The lights go out and a projection screen drops from the ceiling.The Commander clicks a button and the first slide pops onto screen.

"This,my friends, is the face of the enemy."

Numerous gasps can be heard around the room.Gasps of longing, some of disdain, but all are tinged with horror. The illumination from the quirky set of panties displayed onscreen casts an eery light on the speaker's face, and his deep bass voice emphasizes the horror in which he is about to relate.

"Now we travel a ways back in time.We travel back to 2003.Some would argue that this was the peak of our human civilization.How little they knew.The Insurgence started slowly. Once women realized what kind of awesome yet untapped power they wielded it would only be a matter of time before they put that power to use."

Shrieks of horror and thumps that could only be the sound of fainting bodies hitting the floor resonate throughout the room.

"Yes my friends, shriek and faint like little whiny bitches, for that is what the army of women had rendered us as on that fateful day.Most of the women went to collaborate and scheme, under the guise of innocent tupperware parties or baby showers, or whatever the hell else women do, but they were IN FACT plotting and scheming behind our very backs! They decided to go on reconiasance missions, to see just how deadly their newfound power was. Im sure some of our oldest members can remember the day that their wives or girlfriends innocently walked into the room wearing nothing but panties and a matching bra. I can safely say that there wasn't a man alive that didn't immediately drop what he was doing to gape and grin like a fool. Even though some of them were carrying 300 lb lifting weights and those weights came crashing into one's foot..."

The speaker trails off into a series of grumbling and cursing, while most of the audience glances at his prosthetic foot.

"Then the war came.Armies of women wandered the planet, flashing their panties and turning our brethren into mindless zombie servants,and on rare occasions utilizing the panty/bra combo to zombiefy entire cities in a heartbeat,chasing the rest of us into these god-forsaken holes we use for resistance facilities!Being a part of the resistance is no day at the beach.Once you encounter your first real woman she will use every trick she knows to cloud your mind,your judgement,and eventually turn you into a drooling zombie.One up close flashing of the panties will render you unable to tell ally from enemy,and you will desire to answer truthfully any question they pose to you.Also,be forewarned,the evolution of panties didn't stop simply because the war started,oh no siree, we believe that they now have the technology to grow and utilize a new breed of panty."

The speaker points to the picture of the panties behind him.

"Quirky ,yet playful panties behind me? I think not, its only on closer inspection that we see the true demon behind this fasade."

The speaker clicks his remote.

"This little horror goes by the name of Smiley, and there are thousands more just like our friend Smiley here. They have uncanny mental manipulation powers and even detonate themselves if they feel they are in danger.Some would be fooled into thinking that these things are actually poorly drawn monsters using photoshop 7.0 ,but we all know better...I don't think I need to warn you of the incredible danger these things pose."

The speaker waits in silence for a minute, allowing his words to settle in.

"Alright, now I've told you what you face, the next thing on our agenda is training!"

End of Part 1 - Part 2:"Neutralization" to be released 2-24-03

2003-02-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

Bush Talks Threat

So here I am,sitting on my computer,deleting about 300 megs of junk mail (they seem to propagate as fast as rabbits) when something on AOL's news/welcome screen catches my eye. According to the U.S. government,they have upgraded our national threat level to ORANGE as of a few days ago! Now, as important as this may or may not be, I couldn't help but shake my head in confusion. Level orange? Is that good? Why not a simple numerical value, or a percentage even?

Easily understood colors geared towards retarded 5 year olds and George Bush! I love it!What I want most in the whole wide world is to have been in the conference room when they were dreaming up this zany system!But seeing as how that would never happen, all I can do is speculate. Here's how I imagine things went:

The People:

Bush:George W. Bush. The President of these United States. He seems like the slightly dim protagonist of some poorly written movie or internet article...He tries so very very hard to say and do the right things, but he never seems to succeed.

Cheney:Vice President. An exasperated old man with a terrible heart condition, and if he continues hanging around Bush, he may kick the bucket at any time.

Donald H. Rumsfeld:Secretary of Defense

Rumsfeld:Alright,we need to assess our current situation,gather intelligence,and come up with some kind of system to inform the citizens of the U.S. how at risk we are of another terrorist attack.

Cheney:What about a graph?Or a meter of some kind?Like a terror o' meter.

Rumsfeld:Terror o' meter? That sounds like a great idea, but ...i dunno. It seems too complex somehow.We need something simple and to the point.Do you have any ideas, Mr. President?

Bush:*snoring*

Cheney:Mr President!!

Bush:Huh? Wha?? Where am I??

Cheney:You are in the oval office, Sir,and we were discussing the threat level indicators...

Bush:Cool! I had the most amazing dream! I was a bushy tailed squirrel known as Squirrely McNuts,oh how much fun I had romping and frolicking through the upper mountainous slopes of the Appalachians! *sighs happily*

Rumsfeld:Uhh...weren't you just standing up , Sir?

Bush:Oh yea.Sometimes I just get really bored and/or confused by all the big words everybody seems to use all the time, and I just doze off from time to time.I've even done it with my eyes open!

Rumsfeld:Amazing

Cheney:Yea, that's great,now can we please get back on task??

Bush:Okay okay, lighten up, Chinney.

Cheney:Cheney

Bush:Right

Rumsfeld:Now,something simple,something to the point.How about a Numerical Value, or a Percentage?The higher the number, the more at risk we are.

Bush:Numerical Value?Percentage??So now you're saying that the only people who will be able to understand our threat indicator would be super duper geniuses and Harvard graduates?Isn't that a little un-American??

Rumsfeld:Uhm...didn't you graduate from Harvard, Sir?

Bush:Oh yea. Almost forgot. *giggles*

Cheney:*Sighs irritably*Any other ideas?

Bush:Oh oh!! I have one! *hand is raised, waving it around madly*

Cheney:*rolls eyes*Yes, Mr. President?

Bush:Alright,check this out. I like to call this baby the "Bush-y Tailed Squirrel Terror Indicator"! Get it?? BUSHY and Bill W. BUSH ??

Cheney:George

Bush:Oh yea. So anyways, the way this sucker works is, on a scale from 1-10 , the more bushy tailed squirrels there are, the more bigger the terror threat is! Right now I suspect that we are at 7 1/2 bushy tailed squirrels, so we better stay on alert.

Rumsfeld:*Visibly amused*What is your obsession with squirrels Sir?

Bush:Oh, as a kid I was once bitten by a rabid squirrel, I've loved the little bastards ever since.

Rumsfeld:I see...

Cheney:*Grumbles* Can we please get back to the task at hand??Im willing to take any ideas, no matter how absurd!!

Bush:Oh, I know! How about colors?Colors are pretty. My favorite color is razzamatazz red.

Rumsfeld:Razzamatazz red? Is that even a color?

Bush:Of course it is, heathen.You know the Crayola contest way back when, they had 24 new colors and you could send in your idea for a name. I sent in my suggestion, but I guess they didn't really like "Bluedacious Green". *Shakes head sadly*

Cheney:Okay! Colors!Perfect!! *visibly happy at having completed this onerous task*

Bush:Yea,and "Bluedacious Green" will be the lowest level,and "razzamatazz red" will be the highest!

Rumsfeld:Great. Like one site I know, we mine as well pander to the lowest denominator, that way everyone will understand our threat level indicator. *glances at Bush*

Bush:*Beaming a smile at nothing in particular*

fin

2003-02-08T11:08:00.000-08:00

NovaNet!!Edifying "Catchup" class for the retarded, or am I just a genius?You decide. Part1

So here's the deal. Last semester I was a total slacker, I basically stopped doing all the work in all of my classes to pursue more stimulating lines of educational learning, where most of the projects I undertook began with the phrase "Dude, you SO can fit that in the electrical socket" or "I dunno man,is that supposed to go there?" Well, this semester being my (hopefully) last one in high school, the consequences of my actions have indeed caught up with me, to haunt me like some undying memory of a bad Vanilla Ice song or music video (oh wait...they were all bad...*shudder*) To remedy this, i have opted to take a night and saturday class. The night class isnt all that interesting, so until something funny comes up, ill need not mention any of the goings on in there. HOWEVER, the saturday class was a virtual treasure trove of potential humor. Allow me to ellaborate.

The basic premise of this class is that you can make up a year's worth of blunders and mistakes in roughly 4 days. That's it, need i say more??You walk into a class filled with computers,take a seat, and open a delightful program known as NovaNet(tm) and begin working on whatever course you happened to have failed. To begin, let me explain how the work is divided up:

Course Name (in my case, Environmental Sciences>

Section 1
Section 2
Section 3
Section 4
Section Test

(let it be noted that in each section are 1 or 2 subsections with questions and worthless information)

Now, we've all heard the saying that if you had a thousand monkeys slamming on computers non-stop that they would eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare,right? Well this "program" , NovaNet, had 4. One monkey to draw the pictures,one monkey to write the hilarious text, and one monkey to program it all. Oh yea..the other monkey. He's just there to keep all the other monkeys busy, they're like his monkey bitches ...*whip crack*

I guess thats all they could afford..

So here i am, flying through these lessons, stumbling into hilarious lines of information that go a little something like "Believe it or NOT the OCEAN is actually the earth's biggest habitat even though HUMANS dont live there!!" and things like "an ANT and an APHID are CO-DEPENDANT!!!" and accompanying this fact is a picture of a poorly drawn ant and aphid which, coincidentally, look EXACTLY the same, except the aphid is white, not black; and above the ant is a text balloon saying "Wow!! thanks! i really needed that!" It never says exactly what the ant or the aphid got from each other,but i think thats better left to the imagination.However, the good staff that developed this gem called NOVANET thought that none of us had any imagination and they proceed to show the aphid replying to his ant "friend" with, "Yea!Thanks for everything! here, have some MILKY WHITE SUBSTANCE!" this thoroughly surprised ,shocked and delighted me all at the same time because i was having a pretty dull morning so far, and the caffiene from my 3 1/2 Pepsis hadnt really kicked in yet.

When the shock finally subsides, and my silent laughter that I was trying so desperately to hold in slowly began to abate, I hit a snag! Previously, the teacher had said that if you get 100% of all the section questions correct you dont have to take the tests.And then, in my finest hour, I come upon the coup d'etat of my whole successful morning. I was in the FOOD CHAIN section and it asked me to match up the predators with the likely prey, because they apparently didn't know how. so anyways, there are 6 animal on either side of this column and i have to draw arrows to what each one eats.so im doin pretty good so far, deer eat plants, lions eat deer, yadda yadda.. BUT THEN it comes to BEARS!! what the hell do bears eat!? and the only things left that i could draw arrows from would be humans or squirrels!!

Curse the heavens for striking me down whilst i was so close to the end of the sections!! my soul screamed in agony at the thought of having to take a rather difficult and long Environmental Science test. "ok, ok, let's calm down" I tell myself. All I have to do is draw upon the vast experience and knowledge I have of bears. Winnie the pooh never tried to eat that kid that always followed him everywhere...did he?? Did Winnie the Pooh ever try to eat that squirrelly guy ? WAS there a squirrelly guy in Winnie the Pooh? Why is Winnie a Pooh? I eventually flipped a coin, and it turns out that bears dont eat humans , ONLY squirrels, it seems.

By the time my three hours in that class was up I was almost disappointed and a little saddened at having to leave. Only next saturday will tell what kinds of discoveries await me on NOVANET.

2003-02-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, heres my idea. I must see about a million stupid,idiotic RETARDED things a day and every time I do i go " holy shit...is that guy really THAT Stupid?? did that JUST happen??" and then I laugh my ass off later with my friends, so I figure I mine as well document them in this blog called "if humor were an infectious disease..! " pretty cool name huh? what i was going for was "if humor was an infectious disease we'd all rot away and die because of the hilarity!"

yea, depending on how badly i suck up to my web designing friends this page may get a new layout sometime...and by sometime i mean probably in the next 5 months or so...

and without further ado.....